Satan Admits Defeat After Dicaprio’s Oscar Win

leonardo-dicaprio-oscars
‘Haha, fuck you Prince of Darkness’ – Leonardo Dicaprio, 2016

The Dark Lord Lucifer has conceded defeat in his war against humanity after Leonardo Dicaprio’s win in the Best Actor category at the Oscars.

Lucifer, AKA ‘Satan’, released a statement today in which he said, ‘I have long sought to undo you wretched bags of flesh, but seeing Leo finally get that award has made me realise the futility of my quest, and will henceforth cease activities against mankind’.

The news was welcomed by church leaders. The Archbishop of Canterbury stated, ‘I, and all Christians, owe much to Leonardo Dicaprio for his work. Never would I have thought that fighting against a CGI bear would end Satan’s reign of terror. Blessed be Dicaprio’. Rumours are circulating that the Pope is considering sainthood for Dicaprio.

Leonardo Dicaprio won the Academy Award for Best Actor for his performance as Hugh ‘Gruntsalot’ Glass in ‘The Revenant’, a much better version of ‘The Passion of the Christ’. Dicaprio’s agent responded to the news by saying, ‘Leo is pleased to see the impact his acting work is having on the prevention of apocalyptic hellfire. Many actors hope to change the world, but few have the chance to stop vengeful archangels from destroying the world’.

We at Leeds Flipside are happy to hear that our annihilation has been halted, but are curious to know what is next for Lucifer. We are awaiting comment from his PR department.

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