Consolation Gift Baskets To Be Sold For Students Just Now Realising The Futility Of Higher Education

Our very own LUU gift shop has begun selling gift baskets to students who “have lost the naive twinkle in their eyes”. The “naive twinkle” an obvious reference to the idea many students hold that higher education will allow new levels of intellectual stimulation and emotional fulfillment, which, as we all know, is fundamentally untrue.

An entire section of the store is now dedicated to consoling Theatre and Performance Students. Alongside gift baskets, apologetic greeting cards for parents are now available, with such messages as “Mum, Dad. I’m so, so, so, sorry.”, “I thought it would get me essential contacts in the industry”, and “I like working in retail anyway”.

Fourth year student Alec Cruice, 23, stated on the matter “This is perfect for me and my housemates. We all used to sit around in the living room, drooling, and questioning the true value of our time, and our parents’ money used to pay for our courses. But now, we can momentarily forget the crippling dread that eats away at us slowly but surely, and enjoy some lovely Dairy Milk, included in our gift baskets.”

Third year student Stuart Bowler, 21, commented “This is ridiculous. Just because of the sudden rise of apprenticeships and work placements allowing easy access into the professional work place, a declining job market, a steadily rising student debt, a lack of proper tuition in subjects I wish to specialise in, and a general feeling of unease towards my education, the worth of a university degree is not devalued.” It must be noted that at this time, a single tear rolled down Bowler’s sad, expressionless face.


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