Cameron Drunk Calls Election

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Prime Minister Cameron in tough political negotiations

Whilst on a big night out, at 2:04 AM this morning, the Prime Minister phoned her Majesty the Queen, and proceeded to garble like a man well into his third bottle of Chateau Mouton Rothschild ‘45. He asked her if he could have the instant noodles she left at Number 10, whether she loves or hates the band Queen, and if she would mind awfully dissolving parliament because he “can’t be bothered with this shit any more, ya know? I’d rather have a whole new Parliament, that would shut them up” according to an eye witness at an exclusive London club. Her responses have been left unreported due to Royal privilege but we can reveal that Parliament has been dissolved in preparation for a snap election.

The Prime Minister has been under pressure recently due to the shock news that he is an enormously wealthy oligarch, a fact known thanks to the Panama leaks. He has also faced internal problems over the EU referendum, Ian Duncan Smith resigning, and Boris Johnson continuing to not resign. A heavy night out for the old Bullingdon Club member was predicted by pundits in response to this pressure, but the surprise call to the Queen was unusual. Snap elections were technically made illegal by the previous parliament, but Chancellor George Osborne commented “The Prime Minister has never let parliamentary procedure get in the way of political flare, especially if he has had a few. I support him all the way. We only came up with that whole coalition thing back in 2010 when Dave was out on the lash on election night, and kept inviting Nick Clegg to the next bar just to laugh at him more. We all joined in, then didn’t stop for five straight years. Imagine how impotent we would have been in minority government, I’m telling you, drunk Dave has solid forward looking plans.”  

Although some pundits have questioned the wisdom of the move, many analysts believe this is a shrewd attempt to capture the fickle but decisive “banter vote”. Focus groups, when they could be made to concentrate, have shown the British voting public consistently chose candidates that “seem like a laugh”. Conservative poll ratings amongst this key demographic have jumped in the last few hours, with a random but apparently representative spokesperson referring to Cameron as an “Absolute Maniac” for making such an enormous political decision so clearly drunk. Labour’s response will have to be swift and make no sense if they are to win round this key group.  

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