Passers by were shocked this morning as the statue of the former colonialist leader Cecil Rhodes rose from its slumber and went of a mad rampage around Oxford and the East of England.
At approximately 9.23am, the statue awoke from its position at the front of Oriel College, and started its march of destruction around the campus, picking up anyone in its path, and swallowing them whole. The statue of Rhodes, who founded the Southern African state of Rhodesia, also caused hundreds of thousands of pounds of destruction around the town, before galloping to Chelmsford, where it ruined the Corn Exchange, and then continuing to Southend where it wandered into the sea.
One eye-witness, Blake Pearson, a PPE student, was stunned by events.
‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. One minute he was just there like he was always was, then the next he had gotten down from his plinth and starting smashing parked cars and eating anyone that got in his way, chanting ‘Anglo-Saxon Victory’. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I once saw my mate Quinton eat an entire dogs shit.’
MI5, in conjunction with the Metropolitan Police, are still in debate as to how to stop the statues’ charge, with the possibility of it returning to British shores a distinct one. There is already a wide debate on the subject, with initial calls for the Cecil Rhodes Statues’ instant destruction-by-lasers met with fierce criticism.
Baroness Helana von Agincourt, a Guardian lifestyle columnist, claimed that the statue is a historical artifact that must be protected at all costs, regardless of how many more people might be eaten whole.
‘Honestly, some of the reaction from our so-called enlightened youth has been disgusting. The cannibal statue of Cecil Rhodes, who believed that the native people of Africa were ‘barbarians’ who needed to be tamed by the white race, is a priceless piece of art, that we can’t destroy just because it ate a few people. It’s a harmless symbol of something utterly terrible and unforgivable, and nothing more.’
National treasure-turned bastard Stephen Fry was also in favour of keeping the statue in tact.
‘Okay so I’ll admit that the statue of Cecil Rhodes is a wrong’en who has killed and devoured fourteen people already, but the way to challenge that isn’t by getting rid of it. How are people really going to know that statue is a people-eating tribute to a white supremacist if there isn’t a constant, unchallenged presence on university campuses to remind them? ‘
However, student activist Isabella Freely, claimed that should the statue not be destroyed, it would forever remain a symbol of eating people, and that it would be worshiped by cannibals the world over.
‘All we’re saying is that it might be a little insulting to the families of those who have been devoured to have a statue of the man rampaging round the country eating more people. This is a loss that will stay with them forever, and will effect them for the rest of their lives, so why should they have to be reminded of their grief everytime they see the Cecil Rhodes statue destroy their towns and eat their neighbours, while everyone else acts like it isn’t happening.’
While the powers that be decide what is to be done, the Cecil Rhodes statue is believe to be somewhere along the floor of the English channel, and could arrive in Calais by this afternoon.