Hi there readers, one of your faithful writers here. Now, you may not know, but we at Leeds Flipside love a good old laugh. Nothing brings us joy more then to write something silly and bring a smile to your face. And what better way to do that then by responding to spam emails? We would’ve brought you something sooner, but until today, we hadn’t received any! I know, it shocked me too!
But anyway, we received one today, and we thought we’d share with you our delightful reply, so please sit back and enjoy.
From: Williams <firstname.lastname@example.org>
To: Leeds Flipside <email@example.com>
Hi Thomas Hemsley,
Trust you are doing well!
I am Williams, online Marketing Consultant, and working with reputed Leading Website (Designing and Development) Company having the experience of getting our customer’s website in CMS (Word Press, Magento, Shopify, Joomla, Modx, Mambo and Drupal).
We offer a variety of services that can satisfy your needs at affordable cost ….
- Website Development (Custom Website Development, PHP, Java, .Net Development, Ajax Programming, etc.)
- Website Designing (Logo Design, HTML designing, corporate website design, PSD to XHTML/HTML, etc.)
- Open source customization/ CMS (Joomla, Drupal, WordPress, etc.)
- eCommerce website development (Magento, OS Commerce, Zen Cart integration etc.)
- Mobile Applications (Android, IOS, I-Phone, etc.)
A free analysis is also available here for your project. Kindly let us know about your requirements and we’ll be happy to share with you our project proposal and project portfolio.
Contact us with your phone no. /Skype ID so that we can plan a quick call on phone/Skype to further discuss the project.
Looking forward for your positive reply!
Online Marketing Consultant
From: Leeds Flipside <firstname.lastname@example.org>
To: Williams <email@example.com>
Hi Williams ‘Fore-Or-Surname-Pending’,
Thanks for your email, I’m a big fan of reputed and very professionally titled ‘Leading Website (Designing and Development) Company’, and our site certainly could do with a ‘Markreing Expert’ such as yourself. Why only the other day I was sitting on a park bench, chowing down on a delicious Greggs cheese and onion pasty and I thought to myself, ‘Hmm, my website needs a better online presence. If only I could find a single-named advertising oracle who works in a company that includes parentheses in their name, like all companies should’. Of course I thought this dream nonsensical, a beautiful feather floating in the wind too high for me to grasp, until just a short while ago, when I was listening to Avril Lavigne’s ‘Girlfriend’ and dancing in my kitchen and I felt my phone vibrate in my tight jean pocket. Never did I expect the notification I saw.
As soon as I saw your email address I knew I had hit gold. I felt like Daniel Plainview from 2007’s ‘There Will Be Blood’ when he finally found that beautiful oil beneath the ground. I just knew with a merchandising maestro like you at my side I too could be like Plainview; rich, alcoholic, despised by my children and responsible for at least a couple of murders. So without hesitation I opened up your email to see the black gooey goodness that would flow. I couldn’t believe what I was reading! I saw that you were the top man for marketing my website in WordPress and a number of other words that I initially thought was the cast of Fraggle Rock, but quickly punched my skepticism in the perineum and reassured myself, ‘This man is a guru! He would only list sites that exist!’.
Thus I ventured on my journey of discovery as I continued to read. Your Shakespearean prose brought tears to my eyes as I tried to come to terms with the future ahead of me. A future filled with increased traffic to my lowly satirical news website. A future where all peoples can read articles centred on my university’s student union, regardless of whether it will mean anything to them or have even heard of it. A future where old men will sit their grandchildren around a roaring fire and tell of the days when they whiled away their dark lonely nights chuckling lightly at 300 word posts about ketamine and Tim Henman. I laughed, cried and blotted my dribbling nostrils with the closest dirty sock I could find as I felt true happiness.
Happiness. Happiness because this future would come to pass because of your expertise. An expertise where one has a phone or Skype call to plan a phone or Skype call, an expertise we so desperately need. Too many times have I phoned my girlfriend on a cold winter’s night to tell her I can call her next Thursday at 6pm, only for her to reply that she’s not busy now and can talk. The nerve! The raging fire of discontent those words fuel in my heart. Never mind that I’m also available at that moment, that’s not why I have contacted her! Every time this happens I wish, I plead, I get down on my knees and weep to any god out there, to send me someone who will have the same convoluted rules on distant interaction. And whoever that supreme being is, he’s answered my prayers.
So it is with great pleasure that I hope you can bring your wisdom to my life. I hope this was the ‘positive reply’ you sought, and look forward to changing the world with you, my friends, and articles about Jeremy Corbyn flogging the dolphin.
Yours forever and always,
Online Time Waster