A University of Leeds student has received a high 2.1 on his dissertation, which he submitted handwritten in his housemate’s blood.
History student Malcolm Barker, 21, decided to callously murder his housemate, Travis Kyles, and use his crimson liquid essence as ink due to Travis’ constant playing of house music at incredibly high levels, always seemingly when Malcolm was trying to work, and his very foul smelling risottos.
‘The guy was a huge pain in my arse’, Malcolm told us. ‘I’m trying to research Robespierren terror and all my senses are being bombarded with pure awfulness. How am I meant to write paragraph upon paragraph on the virtue of terror with that twat’s offence to the human senses attacking me without end’.
Malcolm’s dissertation tutor, Dr. Roger McCoy, was impressed by the use of blood for writing his assessment. ‘It’s quite a novel idea really. Normally writing in blood is a pretty rare occurrence, used by serial killers and disturbed individuals who don’t live near a Rymans. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an academic paper done this way, so I was quite intrigued’.
Despite the departments fascination with his choice of writing tools, Malcolm insists he wasn’t trying to be novel, and it was simply down to Travis’ annoying habits. ‘By that point I didn’t care how my dissertation did anymore, I just wanted to end that wankstain’s reign of terror’.
Flipside, while also fascinated with the use of blood as a medium for writing, urges students to try biros or a Lenovo laptop first.