Lying Aids Healthy Digestion, Government Research Finds

The government has today released research that suggests that telling lies to the public is good for the digestive tract.

The research, undertaken by a group of nameless, faceless ‘experts’, finds a correlation between naughty fibs on matters of policy and a stronger intestinal tract, as well as healthy kidney function and lighter-feeling heartburn.

The lead researcher, whose name, age, ethnicity, job history, existence, penis length and qualifications were kept suspiciously confidential, released a statement saying, ‘This study demonstrates that governments are in the right when they are flat-out deceptive. I sleep better knowing that Mr Cameron has comfortable poos after releasing his duplicitous manifestos’.

The study suggests links between lying about specific areas of policy and certain abdominal benefits. For instance, making disingenuous statements about education harmonises the acidity level of one’s stomach contents, and lying about bombing third-world countries has a causal effect on your intestine’s ability to create firm and unbroken shits.

Local councillor Michael Michaelson of Shitterton welcomed the news. ‘I lie to the public on a regular basis, and my doctor tells me I have one of the healthiest colons he’s ever seen! I don’t even know what constipation is. I’m glad the public now knows and will hopefully accept our complete lack of truth simply for what it is; sensible healthcare’.

If this study proves correct, then the phrase ‘talking shit’ will certainly need to be replaced.


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