Tony Hall, the director general of the BBC, has today confirmed that they will execute both of the Hairy Bikers in a blood sacrifice ceremony in order to appease the glorious government.
The national broadcaster has been under pressure to please the government, who has demanded repentance for being angered. After a brief meeting, the executive board members decided that the only way to appease the furious, vengeful Tories was to sacrifice a human and chose the Hairy Bikers because they were the most Northern chefs employed by the BBC.
‘We at the BBC have spent years tugging at the tail of the dragon that is the all seeing, all knowing Conservative Party, and we must offer them a gift in exchange for our treachery’ said Lord Hall in a press conference held in a crypt underneath the BBC’s Salford headquarters earlier this morning.
‘Myself and the board discussed whom we should sacrifice to appease the glorious ones and stop them for using their wrath to destroy us, and we decided they would be most pleased to see The Hairy Bikers slaughtered rather than Mary Berry or James Martin, as they are both Northern and with their long hair, beards and motorcycles are the most likely of all our chefs to influence an alternative lifestyle.’
The Hairy Bikers will be killed in a special ritual next Monday, which will be aired in a special televised event on BBC 1 at 2.30am, a time when their commercial rivals will be unaffected as they only have gambling on then.
‘It’s going to be a terrific event’, said the BBC’s current head of televised sacrifices Emily Pillsbury. ‘First The Hairy Bikers will be stripped naked, and will then be covered in olive oil, before being paraded before the Cabinet. Should they nod their head in an enthusiastic way, the duo will then have their hands cuts and be burned on a pyre, with 3 or 4 clovers of garlic, some thyme, shallots and a light sprinkling of salt and pepper. We’re in talks with Nick Knowles to present, and Rita Ora will perform the blood ritual chant. I honestly can’t wait.’
Sir Malbury Potts, the spokesperson on Earth for the all powerful government spoke of his pleasure at the BBC’s decision.
‘Our lords upon high have declared themselves satisfied that they will receive the blood of man, and will give the BBC a stay of execution. We are particularly pleased that two men who spend all their time together have been chosen for a sacrifice, as there’s definitely something a bit weird about that. However they must be aware that at any point our wrathful cabinet could destroy them at any point, and any further discrepancy could result in further sacrifices.
I would personally love to drink the blood of Gary Linekar with a nice breast of venison.’
The Hairy Bikers are the latest in a series of human sacrifices the BBC has made to the almighty powers. Last November, Andrew Graham-Dixon was hung, drawn and quartered outside Buckingham Palace, while earlier on in the year Chris Packham was let loose into the woods before being hunted and killed after a three hour chase.